Friday, March 25, 2011

Going Down; Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby! Part III

Classic moments in oral sex: Remember the lunch room scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Oh, who am I kidding… who doesn’t? Linda giving Stacy a lesson in blow jobs with a carrot, and when Stacy asks her: “When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?” Linda casually says: “A quart or so.”

Ok, now that you’re smiling…

To be blunt: I like giving head. From what I understand, though, a lot of women don’t. I also like it when men go down on me. And, from what I understand, there are actually women out there who don’t. Hmmm… I guess what I should say is that there are a number of women out there who aren’t all that “comfortable” with it.

When I talk to people and I admit that I like going down on a guy, the first reaction I usually encounter is disbelief. “You DO?!” Yes, I do. The next reaction (from women) is usually “WHY?!” This is accompanied by a look of either complete disgust, or, they appear to think I’m flat out lying. Or, (and this is probably my favorite) they flip out on me and tell me that if I give a guy oral sex, I’m selling myself short. I know, I know… silly. But really, I remember having a conversation about it with a friend of mine when we were in our early twenties, and she said to me, in all seriousness: “I don’t give head because why should I? I don’t get anything out of it!” I asked her if she expected her boyfriend to do it for her, and she said “Of course! That’s different! If he wants to have sex he has to get me wet first!” Uh… interesting justification… I guess.

So, people ask, how did I develop an affection for the act? Well, I’m not quite sure. All I know is that I truly like it. That’s not to say I’ve never had a partner I didn’t enjoy it with, or that there aren’t certain things that can turn me off about it, but in general, I love it. The first time I ever did it was with a guy I had a huge crush on and had been shamelessly chasing for months. I had only recently lost my virginity, and that had switched something on inside of me that wanted to know everything, and to try everything. We were in his bed, and things were heating up. Clothes had somehow landed on the floor, and I was exploring him with my hands and taking a really intense look at him. He whispered to me, “suck it,” and I shyly replied: “I’ve never done that before.”

He was surprised by it, and I think a little turned on, too. He gave me a quick short-list of rules and said “Just enjoy it.” So, verbal rule book in hand, I allowed myself to simply let go, and continued exploring him, adding my lips and my tongue to my already adventurous hands, and eventually took him in and found that it was a huge turn on for me. So much so that when he was ready to get me on my back and take things all the way, he had to pull my hair and beg me to stop. For me, there’s just something insanely erotic about it.

It’s interesting how different men can be in how they like it, too. Some men like it gentle and slow, some like it a little rough, some are into deep throating you and some only really like you to tease the head and let your hands take care of the shaft, keeping any sign of the fact that you have teeth well out of range. If you’re not like me, and you don’t enjoy it, but you want to please your partner, do yourself a favor and ask him what he likes. And DON’T be insulted if he says something other than what you’ve been doing. And guys: If your lady isn’t a fan… it’s possible you need to sweeten up your semen by eating more pineapple. Look it up. It works, and AMAZINGLY well.

As for being on the receiving end, (and I can’t speak for all women,)

What looks good on film (yes, I’m talking about porn) DOES NOT feel good in real life.

I’m sorry. I know that may have just broken your heart, or at least bruised your ego. But really, please don’t use your tongue as a pointy poker, and for the love of God, don’t beat the hell out of my clit. Think ice cream… you know… when it’s melting and you have to lick the sides and your tongue is flattened, and as you’re licking the soft, sweet stuff to keep it from running down your arm you make long, targeted strokes that cover a little real estate. You don’t lick too hard; after all you don’t want the empty cone in your hand and your creamy vanilla soft serve on the pavement, do you? Slowly the ice cream begins to behave… it finally comes to a place in the cone where you can apply a little pressure without fear of losing it. It melts faster and faster in the summer heat, until finally it’s slipped down into the cone, and you have to push your tongue into it, go after it… take it… don’t let it get away from you…

Again, though, check with your partner. For all I know, there could be a chick out there who’s totally into the pointy poker thing. I happen not to be, but don’t expect all women to be able to verbalize what they want in bed as easily as I do, or as easily as you do. This is one of the many crossroads between men and women. Men really want to know what women like, and women, often times, just want you to know instinctively.

In the wonderful world of oral sex, there’s really nothing more incredible than taking a few long hours and pleasing one another, either one at a time or engaged in a cozy sixty-nine for a good long time… heating things up and then cooling them down… teasing each other, talking to each other about what you like, coming to the brink of orgasm and then easing off… it’s both scorching hot and intensely bonding at the same time.

Have a wonderful weekend, everybody. You know what to do.


  1. OK I admit I got half a stalk reading that.. I agree with all of it. If a lot of married women would just toss their man a biscuit after a hard days work, then they could lead them around by the nose. We are simple creatures, with simple needs. But reciprocation is definitely a must. My skills have been passed down from generations and have a black belt in cunnilingus. Sometimes I need to wear a helmet to protect my head from flailing legs. I remember the quote, "A sign of affection." Ring any bells? Don't talk with your mouth full, but listen to the one that is receiving to enhance the experience for both.

  2. I honestly believe that communication is the key to everything in life. EVERYTHING.

  3. Never liked doing it till I met Kman

  4. Really helpful tips, thanx. will put to practice!